There are so many people I have to thank who have supported, advised and helped Amber and I during the last year, many of whom continue to offer me support now during my darkest days.
I’m going to try and put this list in some kind of order to include everyone but in advance I apologise to anyone I miss off this list (or to anyone whose names I misspell), I met so many wonderful , kind and generous folk. You are all amazing and incredibly special people and I have nothing but love and gratitude for all of you.
(I have used first names only here, I don’t want to identify anyone fully in case they don’t want to be recognized. Also many of them including Ambers doctors I only know on a first name basis.)
My wonderful daughter Coreigh and my mum and dad for being with me throughout, they were the only visitors I was able to have in SCBU, they listened endlessly to my worries, fears, hopes, moments of joy, bringing laughter where they can but let me cry and have given the best cuddles to comfort me.. thank goodness I have you. My sisters; Kim, who has written me beautiful cards and letters and sent Amber and I the most beautiful gifts to make us feel special. Wendy, especially for the huge parcel she sent to SCBU to Amber and which also contained the worlds comfiest, flattering trousers for me to wear after my c-section and of course Jo-anne, who has been there every step of this journey, researching, advising and messaging almost daily to try and cheer me up. Jo-anne has sat in by video link on some of the hardest conversations with Ambers doctors and helped me make some of the most difficult choices. She may be a doctor but first and foremost she is my sister and I couldn’t get through any of this without her. My sisters-in law, Pam for love, gentle words and my fox socks! and Toni for checking up on me regularly, sending me beautiful gifts (Amber and I snuggled up in our patchwork blanket regularly) and the food shop she sent for Christmas. Jemimah my niece for driving from Yorkshire to Glasgow for an afternoon just to give me a hug at one of my lowest points in NICU and being the only other person in my family able to meet Amber, it is a day I will treasure forever (thank you too for the gin delivery when we got home!) And also to rest of my nieces and nephews for all your sweet messages… I love you all. x
All my friends.. Jess, you have been there for EVERYTHING! I am so honoured that you were there when Amber was born, I couldn’t have got through labour without you and I certainly wouldn’t have had such beautiful first photos if you hadn’t been there. If I list everything you have done for me and Amber we’d be here all day but in brief, Ambers little fox who still sits on my bed, listening to my tears and fears for hours on end, moving heaven and earth to be there for her birth, being here when I brought her home, being here on that black day when I had to take her to the funeral directors and for reading her poem when I couldn’t… Just know I love you beyond measure. x
For Soraya who is there whenever I need her, has sat and cried with me more times than I can count, gives incredible healing hugs and barges into my house every couple of days to check on me now. For Ambers octopus and my fox pillow, both made with such love… I love you too. x
And for everyone else in my life (sorry I’ll miss so many names here but…) Neill, Georgia, Mairi, Isla, James, Stan (especially for the beautiful wooden container you have made for Ambers ashes), Alex, Rachel, Calum, Morgan, Romi, Sam, Lily, Dara, Adam, Lesley (for giving me a brief afternoon away for coffee and sanity in Glasgow) and all the other friends and all my wonderful neighbours who have messaged, called and followed mine and Ambers journey together and continue to do so. x
My midwife Mairi, a more perfect midwife I couldn’t have asked for and I am grateful to call you friend as well. Also Pam and Fay who stepped in when you were on leave.
My obstetrician Kate, for your advice and support before I even got pregnant. I’m very grateful you were there when Amber came into this world.
Jeanette in the EPU for being there not just in the early days of my pregnancy with Amber but also for your support and kindness at my previous two miscarriages.
My fetal medicine consultant Allison, thank you for scanning me so regularly, listening endlessly and putting up with my questions, research, requests and notebook. If you hadn’t accepted so easily and openly everything I hoped for in the beginning after diagnosis I would never have got to hold my beautiful Amber in my arms. I’m so glad you were there, alongside Kate when Amber came into the world… plus I don’t know who stitched me up but apparently I have a ‘beautiful, neat c section scar’, so thank you for that too!
Also Sheena and Allie from fetal medicine, I don’t know how many times I cried to you both but I felt so supported by both of you and it has helped so much.
My (Ambers) paediatrician Philine.. what can I say.. there are no words that can ever truly express how wonderful I think you are. You have gone above and beyond what I could have ever hoped for, to bring Amber into my arms and to give her life and me hope. You have accepted everything I asked for, right from the day I met you when I was only 25 weeks pregnant, no matter how uncertain or unlikely the outcome may have been. You have listened, fought for and loved Amber in a way I didn’t expect. You have and still do support me and I think you are a very special women, definitely one of Earths angels. I am happy we are still in touch and hope we always will be.
My labour midwives, I’m so sorry I can’t remember the name of the lovely girl who was with me initially but thank you! And Carrie, who was with me during the afternoon, your gentle reassurance and way of making me laugh. You let me sob with fear before theatre but held my hands throughout, you arranged for me to stay overnight on the labour ward so I could be closer to SCBU and Amber, thank you.
On SCBU… All the nurses who looked after and loved Amber and whom I was lucky enough to have to talk to through all those hours on the ward, Bethan, Ginny, Jane, Kim, Mairi, Liz, Rita, Bozena, Christine, Sheilagh, Lisa. Alison for dealing with anything I needed, my covid jab, accomodation, financial support.. you took any issues and found a solution. You are all incredible. Alan who took such good care of Amber from day one, for talking through my worries and who spent so long carefully finding somewhere to place another cannula which she needed but which became so difficult to place as she’d had so many.
Also the doctors, obviously Philine but also Jan, you were so gentle with Amber and I’ll never forget your whispered words to me the night Amber got rushed to Glasgow, Adeela, for spending so long sitting and explaining in detail what was happening each day and what it meant, Ali, for giving a daily compliment to Amber and your kind, gentle manner and all the other doctors whom I met and who cared for Amber and didn’t run away from my notebook and daily questions and requests. Also needing a special mention is Lena, Ambers ‘glamourous’ consultant. You fought for my little girl with such fire and passion, you are a special lady, you got Amber and I into our own private room and together 24/7, you worked so hard to get us prepared for home and it is thanks to you that we got to my preferred hospital Glasgow that awful day when she got so sick, not to mention you returning to the ward in the early hours of the morning to see us as we left… thank you, thank you to you all.
Thank you to Tracy and Kimberley whose little ones were in SCBU with Amber. I never expected to make two such wonderful friends in that ward. We lived each others highs and lows and you and your beautiful boys are very special to me, you are forever linked to my Amber and I’m sure she’s a little guardian angel watching over Archie and Harris. x
Thank you to Amy, the wonderful, sweet medical student who fell in love with Amber and gave us a beautiful card, I have been trying to message you but the email you gave me doesn’t seem to be working. I am trying to trace you through the hospital so I can send you some photos of my little girl who you paid so much attention to.
On the childrens ward all the nurses who looked after us, I’m so sorry I don’t know all your names, we were obviously left alone a lot and only had the ‘clean’ nurses allowed in to keep Amber safe but in particular Sally who tiptoed in overnight a couple of nights to give Ambers feeds and medications when I was so exhausted from stress and lack of sleep, you gave me some sanity back. Also Victoria who spent so much time teaching me how to put in NG tubes and how to perform resuscitation.. little did I know that a couple of months later knowing this would give me more time with Amber. Had it not been for you I wouldn’t have been able to bring Amber back to me on three separate occasions. Also for you staying with me the night she was taken to Glasgow, well beyond when your shift should have ended, until 3am. I was beyond grateful for you being there with Amber and I.
Also in relation to Raigmore hospital and our time there, Thank you to all the nurses who cared for me on Ward 10, the maternity ward (I didn’t spend much time there as I was mostly sitting in SCBU) and to Mo who understood my need for endless strong black coffee while I was in my room, thank you to Suzanne in physiotherapy for spending time with Amber and I and treating her as any other baby and April, Ambers dietician who worked so carefully to try and get her to gain weight and figure out her complicated feeding issues. Not to mention all the other staff I met involved with various tests, echos, xrays, scans, providing food, coffee and everything else involved in keeping a hospital running. There was a lovely girl, Wee Min who worked in the staff cafeteria, every day she greeted me with a smile and asked after Amber too, you are not forgotten.
The community nurses team, Sandra, Catherine, Denise and Pat. You have been involved since my pregnancy in one way or another. Making plans before birth, Pat you helped me throughout Raigmore when we were making initial plans to get home and especially since we did finally get home both you and Denise have spent precious time with Amber and I during her time at home and you’ve continued to be here for me since, offering a shoulder to cry on and helping me cope with some of the practical things I’ve had to do, as well as supporting me through these dark days of losing her. Denise, thank you for helping me that day bath Amber and supporting me knowing I had to take her to the funeral home the next day, I’m not sure I could have managed it without you being there that day.
To my health visitors, Kerry Ann for coming to see me while I was pregnant and spending a lovely afternoon in the garden in the sun with me and Karen who came to see Amber when we were home, giving me a ‘normal’ mum experience with her and meaning I have her little red health record to keep.
To Tracy, my psychologist, how many hours have you have listened to me and offered support since my pregnancy? Honestly, right now I don’t know what I’d do without you. Thank you for continuing to be here for me.
In Glasgow NICU, a little more complicated as I met so many nurses there and the ward is so huge compared to SCBU I thank all of you who were involved. A few names do come to mind though…
Jodie, you saw Amber and I through those first days in NICU and kept me going with your smile, happy conversation and gentle care with Amber. Alannah, (I hope I’ve spelt your name right) for being so cheery and loving Amber and for telling me your own experience of knowing about Edwards Syndrome. Also for switching with another nurse one night so you could look after Amber again! Pauline and Kirsty who looked after Amber a few times, Carol for such a huge hug when I was in tears and terrified about bringing Amber home and Sara for a lovely evening of foot painting, memory keeping and laughter with Amber.
The doctors in Glasgow who were amazing and open to treating Amber as any other baby, Michael her surgeon who operated that first day and saved my little girl as well as fixing all her feeding issues when she got rushed in as an emergency. Karen from cardiology and also the wonderful doctor from ENT (I’m so sorry I don’t know your name, I just know you were from New Zealand) who tried to help Amber and were so sad and sorry more couldn’t be done for her.
Andrew, Martina and Joyce, part of the wonderful neonate consultant team who offered me such support and kindness throughout my time there and sat and talked to me not just about Amber but how I was coping there alone in a city where I knew no-one. Joyce especially, for that last week of making the hardest and most devastating choices, you were there for me the whole way, you let me cry but you helped keep me strong enough to do what was needed and I am so happy and grateful that it was you who insisted on being with Amber in the ambulance for her transfer home.
To Joan, the psychologist on NICU, honestly thank you. I don’t know that I would have coped with any of my time there had you not been around.
Renfrew Motor Engineers in Glasgow for fixing my car exhaust so quickly and also for free when you found out Amber was in NICU…wow! Just WOW thank you.
Ronald McDonald house for providing me with such beautiful accommodation, what an absolutely, incredible charity you are, I was so very grateful.
To the entire team who help organise bringing Amber home, so many of you I didn’t meet but in particular (and in addition to everyone already mentioned) Johnny in palliative care and Lauren the clinical pharmacist. You worked so hard to get my baby girl home safely and give me precious time with her.
CHAS (Childrens Hospices Across Scotland) if not for you I wouldn’t have have the amount of support I needed at home. You were involved from the beginning after Ambers diagnosis during pregnancy and were amazing. Janet in NICU for giving me support while we were there and also everyone involved in the complexities of when we got home. Dr Pat, for being on call when advice was needed and all of the wonderful nurses Amber and I met whilst at home. I’d never imagined 24/7 care in my rural location would be possible but you all made it happen. So in no particular order and again sorry if I miss anyone, thank you to.. Michelle, Anne who wouldn’t put Amber down!, Diane (I’m glad you finally got an Amber cuddle!), Julie, Janice, Emma (especially for my beautiful painted fox, owl and bears and I can’t wait for the fingerprint keyrings to arrive), Celie for being so gentle that first night Amber really scared me and showing me it was possible to co sleep with her, Michelle for travelling so far to take beautiful casts which I’m so excited about getting once they’re ready and of course Amanda and Mairi who continue to call and support me now. Thank you to Vicki and Christie who were there with Amber and I on her last night too, honestly much of that night is a devastating blur but thank you for being so kind and gentle and reassuring me that yes, I did kiss her goodnight and yes she was in my arms as she went to sleep that last time. I’m so grateful you were there and spent the night contacting my family, refusing to leave until you knew I wouldn’t be alone. I’m also grateful that you gave me the time alone with her in my room to whisper all the words I needed to her, whilst knowing you were still around if I needed you. Also Allie, the chaplain who now phones weekly and listens to me cry down the phone, offering her gentle support.
My GPs, Aoibhinn and Daniel, thank you for being so kind, thank you for bringing me food the day I lost Amber to make sure I ate, thank you for checking me regularly even though I mostly cry down the phone to you.
Thank you to SOFT UK and Kate and Shaun, for the support zoom calls while I was pregnant, for putting me in touch with other mums, for publishing and sharing Ambers blog on your website.
Thank goodness for the other mums I’ve met throughout this journey since Ambers first diagnosis when I was only 20 weeks pregnant. There are so many of you but I feel especially close to Jodie and Becky, our journeys collided and we have fallen in love with each others children, Amber and Arla and Freddie are dancing in the stars together and though I wish none of us had to try and navigate this devastation I am grateful for knowing you and that I can share my heartbreak with you as we understand each others pain. Also Dawn, who also understands the pain of losing a beloved daughter. This is not a journey any of us would want and I feel so much love for those of us who have had to travel this road.
Also to Katie in the US, who spoke to me for hours whilst I was in Glasgow offering support and advice and Caroline for buying and dropping off a waterproof coat and wellies for me whilst I was in Glasgow. It was wonderful to meet you and your beautiful Ayla.
To Elizabeth for leading Ambers service and her beautiful words. The afternoon at your house was a tiny oasis of peace in those first days, I think I may need to return soon. I can’t thank you enough for agreeing to do her service and I’m still certain it was Amber herself who suggested you to me.
Thank you to Isla for setting up a ‘Go Fund Me’ to help financially after I lost Amber, I am so grateful to you and to everyone who donated so generously and sent such kind and beautiful messages to me. Thank you to to Sanajay for his especially generous donation, I wanted to give you a special mention as I was overwhelmed at your kindness. You have all helped so much and it means that I was able to give Amber the service and ceremony she deserved, I will be able to create a memorial for her and I can take some time to try and find a little hope in life and a way to carry on without her in my arms, even though I don’t know how right now.
Thank you to Una MacFadyen, I was so grateful to be connected to you when I was in Glasgow, thank you for phoning me and keeping me calm whilst Amber was having her bronchoscopy, for sitting in on that terrible and difficult meeting about bringing her home and offering reassurance I was making the right decision and thank you for the beautiful, gentle messages you continue to send me, each one brings a small comfort and means such a lot to me.
Finally I want to say thank you to Martin McCaffrey in the US. Your advice, guidance, knowledge and support throughout my pregnancy and during those days in hospital has been invaluable. Your calls to me when I was feeling desperate or at a loss has helped Amber and I so much on our journey. Your beautiful words and your love for my daughter and towards myself is precious beyond belief. I am happy to call you my ‘US brother’ and I very much hope that one day we meet in person. As you recently said to me, ‘always let the light of those little fox eyes shine through and break the darkness. 
‘ I will try Marty, it is very dark and black right now but I am trying to hold on to the everlasting beauty and love of my Amber. x
Amber, The Trisomy 18 journey of 'my little fox' 