So I finally had a picture of my little one and I felt like I could relax a little and start to actually plan and dream of her future, of our future. I placed my scan photo on my dresser where I could see it every day and to remind myself that she was safe, she was ok (like I said, I just always knew I was having a little girl, there was never really any doubt in my mind and I’d already got a list of names with Amber Lily right at the top)
I’ve always done a lot of journaling, both elaborate memory keeping journals which I create myself by hand and for a few years now I’ve also kept a bullet journal so I began to use it to plan everything. My work, finances, lists and lists of items needed both both for her, for my pregnancy and labour and pages to mark milestones of my pregnancy so I wouldn’t later forget important dates such as my first scan or her first kick. I’d been such a young mum with my eldest daughter and there was so much I hadn’t been able to do or buy for her, (like a beautiful pram for example) and I’d saved up enough to be able to buy pretty much everything I wanted for Amber. (I’d found this fairly easy during lockdown as there was nowhere to go to spend money, though I appreciate that I was incredibly lucky to still have a steady income throughout unlike many.)
I made pages for all my maternity appointments, I was already aware that I would be having more than normal due to the pregnancy already been classified as higher risk and that I would be seeing my obstetrician. Little did I know at this time how I would have to expand my appointment page significantly in just a few weeks to accommodate a bewildering number of scans, checkups and long meetings with doctors.
I’d finally decided on my ideal pram and ordered it almost immediately after the 12 week scan. Despite careful budgeting I wouldn’t have afforded it new but the advantage of baby equipment is obviously people sell items which are immaculate. So after some searching I risked it and bought it from a small company on eBay and it was pristine, honestly you could barely tell it had been used at all. Before my next scan I’d already bought my maternity clothes (I needed them! My stomach was already growing early though it was!) her highchair (very early yes but in my defence it was on offer and I also have a grandson who would use it in the meantime), her bath, beautiful blankets and an array of muslin swaddles. I resisted buying clothes until I had confirmation she was a girl even though I knew in my heart she was.
My pregnancy with Amber was never fully relaxed. I still had fears in the back of my mind about miscarriage even after my 12 week scan. Covid was a frightening concern, there were too many stories of other mums being badly affected by it, evidence of an increased risk to pregnant women, a higher chance of ending up in intensive care or on a ventilator whilst pregnant, not enough was known about dangers to unborn babies. The vaccine was still new and not enough known about it’s safety during pregnancy so it wasn’t an option and anyway I was wary of putting anything into my body that would cause any harm to my little one. There were still restrictions about travel and mixing with others. I spent much of my pregnancy alone apart from my ‘bubble’ of my daughter, her fiancee and her little boy. Everyone else I met outside only, socially distanced and I prioritised the safety of myself and my baby. It was only temporary was what I told myself.
I was more exhausted than I expected to be during the second trimester, I’d had terrible insomnia since very early in the pregnancy and hoped it would ease but it hadn’t, concerns about my back as I suffer with chronic back pain (normally I have a procedure done called a spinal denervation but I’d missed it for two years due to one of my previous pregnancies and then because of covid restrictions.) I also had pelvic girdle pain which was become an issue.
I have two jobs, one running a post office, the second as a glassblower,. It felt reasonably safe in the post office, it’s tiny, rural, has minimal customers and I work in a fortress counter so was fully shielded from any potential covid risk. I was on furlough from my second job but knew the time I should have been returning was getting closer and this was a huge concern as it’s in a very busy tourist location, not a risk I was happy or comfortable with and my midwife and sister (doctor) were in agreement but I had an upcoming appointment with my obstetrician so this was something I also needed to discuss with her.
On the 20th April, exactly 16 weeks pregnant I listened to Ambers heartbeat for the first time. I had to request it as they usually wait a little longer but it was beautiful and strong and she was a wriggler! Mairi had to chase her round to find her, she must have been doing somersaults in there! Everything seemed to be progressing perfectly and I recorded it so I could listen to her reassuringly whenever I wanted.
Three days later I had an online video appointment with my obstetrician Kate. We talked through rough birth plans, I was to be scanned every three weeks from 27 weeks (no complaints there, the more times I could see my little one the better!) and I would be induced by 39 weeks if labour hadn’t already started by then. The likelihood was I may need my labour to be sped up (they seem to often be slow in my family) and the possibility of an epidural was discussed depending on how my back held out, it wasn’t at all what I wanted but I was open to whatever was needed so long as my little one was safe. She agreed to refer me to physio for my pelvis and spine and much to my relief also agreed that regards my second job working around tourists wouldn’t be safe with an already risky pregnancy in a pandemic. On the basis of it being medical advice I would be able to remain furloughed until my maternity leave started, this was a huge relief and lifted one of my worries away.
As I said previously, I have no intention of writing extensively about Ambers father, our relationship had not been going well for some time. Covid restrictions increased the strain on it and so I had focused on preparing for the baby, in the hope we would resolve matters in time and tried to ignore the mounting tension that came along with it. It wasn’t to be and I felt like I had no choice but to end it around this time, the stress had got too much, we no longer felt ‘healthy’ as a couple and it wasn’t good for my wellbeing nor that of the baby.
The next 3 weeks was really just waiting for my next scan booked for the 14th May, I was sore and getting the usual cramps as the baby grew, my sleep didn’t improve at all so I napped a lot during afternoons. I had physio and was given exercises to improve my pelvic pain. There was another midwife appointment where I got a second beautiful recording of her heartbeat and I managed to spend a day with Jess. We met up in Glencoe on Beltane (1st May) and had lunch outside and a long dog walk up around the forests and hills. It was peaceful and wonderful to see her for the day, it was the first time we’d met up in almost a year due to all the restrictions and with all the worry and stress of the previous few months it was bliss.
I was already calling my baby girl ‘Amber Lily’ when I talked to her by this point. Even though I hadn’t yet had my 20 week scan to confirm she was a ‘she’, it was no doubt my little fox already working her magic and letting me know! I was also starting to look into hypnobirthing. Whichever way the birth went it looked like a lovely way to get through labour, I was already doing reiki on myself and my bump on a nightly basis to relax and the more I read about it the more it appealed.
Amber, The Trisomy 18 journey of 'my little fox' 